Grief Care

Being There ~
The calling of the funeral director is
To be there when someone is in need.
To be there no matter the time, or the conditions.
To be there with words of comfort and concern.
To be there to give quiet guidance through the storm.
To be there for the final tribute that honors a life.
There is no higher privilege.
-Doug Manning, Minister and Author

It is our desire to "be there" for our families, not only during the funeral, but in the days that follow. The grief process doesn't end with the funeral. Much has been written, but uppermost is the term "process" does not signify a set time period. For each individual, grief is unique. Reactions overlap, there is an ebb and flow in dealing with feelings of loss. The five accepted stages of grief as described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D., a psychiatrist, a world-renowned authority and counselor on death are:

Denial
Anger or resentment
Bargaining and/or guilt
Depression
Finally, acceptance

The make-up of a given family with their personal relationships, varying ages, emotions and even proximity of distances between family members intertwine in reaching the goal of acceptance. Acceptance may be defined as a "leveling-off period" when the grieving person can look back to pleasant memories, striving to adjust to new roles and involvement in everyday life.

Our staff is committed to the natural extension of our services in the weeks that follow. We hope you will feel comfortable contacting us when the need arises. No question is too insignificant.

At Graumlich Funeral Home, we offer...

Support during those first days by offering guidance and understanding to help smooth the path through the funeral process, and afterwards.
A grief lending library open to family, friends, clergy and other professionals designed to meet all situations and ages.
Our library also offers books and materials on anticipatory grief as a resource for those dealing with the chronically and terminally ill.
A listing of community grief resources through our office and under Helpful Links.

Should Children Know About Death?

(Reprinted with the permission of the Ohio Funeral Directors Association)

YES?
Learning to accept death is a natural experience in life. It is most important that children not be excluded from participating in the funeral service. If exposed to a death, a child should be prepared for and guided through the period of mourning and grief.

WHY?
Surprisingly, the "protection-philosophy" with regard to a child's knowledge of death is a current trend, stemming from our own death-denying culture. Similarly, parents often isolated children from the pain of growing old. They remove grandma or grandpa to a nursing home or hospital. When death occurs, the child is frequently assigned to a babysitter while the rest of the family participates in the funeral. Allowing the child to be a part of the ceremonies, and even the conversation, helps relieve their fears.

The "mystery of death" may be avoided with proper explanation. Each time a child inquires and is denied adequate information, they delve into their own memory bank to create an answer. The longer such mysteries persist, the more difficult they are to correct.

Children may experience adverse emotional reactions. They may become angry, hoping that their tantrums will restore normality. They may neglect playing and eating because of guilt - not realizing that their own actions had nothing to do with the death. These reactions are quite normal, but continuation may indicate maladjustment.

HOW?
HONESTY should frame discussion of death with children, as in all "life-forming" subjects. Since the purpose is to reduce fear and induce trust, all information should be factual, and therefore not easily discounted by "playground buddies". There is nothing worse than being the last to know the secret and then being given the excuse. "Honey, we didn't think it best to tell you".

SIMPLICITY is also vital. Too much explanation can cloud their mind when the child is exposed to new language and ideas.

ENVIRONMENT often impacts conversation. Whatever setting is chosen, it should ensure an atmosphere where expression can be released freely. Possibly staying in the comfort of the family room or going to the familiar backyard playground will spark questions and ease tension.

LOVE, warmth and reassurance should be shared. Closeness and involvement convince the child that their security is certain. Sorrow is often more easily faced with others. Actually, the child is comforted by the tears of his parents, realizing that if they were to die, the parent would care. When preparing to tell a child about someone dying, clergy or a close friend may assist in the discussion.

WHEN?
Age is often an indicator of which aspect of death most concerns the child. It is a known fact a child old enough to love is old enough to grieve.

Up to Age 2
Infants and toddlers cannot understand death, but they do feel the loss of one who was there to nurture and care for them.

Age 2-4
Children at two, three or four years of age have little understanding of the meaning of death. The death should be shared with the child either by viewing or attempting to explain what has happened.

Age 5-7
A child of five, six or seven has a feeling of loss, but it is not easy to grasp. It must be explained. Answer the questions in simple terms. Let them know a death has taken place by being present at the funeral home and the funeral service. Clinical studies show that denying a child the experience of sharing his loss through emotions may result in adjustment problems later.

Age 8-9
A child eight or nine has the capacity to grasp life's mysteries. They will remember the experience vividly. Don't avoid letting them attend the service. They have emotions, too, which should be expressed

Age 10-12
A youngster ten, eleven or twelve has the emotions of love and a deep feeling of loss. They know what death is and will want to be helpful so as to resolve their own feelings of loss. Include them in the arrangements and service.

Age 13-16
Adolescents may want to suppress their guilt feelings. They are not easily understood. They may refrain from emotions or expressions, but clinical studies show that teenagers often have more intense grief than any other age group. Encourage friends to share their grief and attend the service. This gives the support they need. They want to think of themselves as adults, so treat them as such.

Every child is a unique individual and because of a variety of influences, such as age, personality and social and religious background, certain guidelines should be followed in the discussion of death:

The individual child should be the main factor considered.
The child should be consulted and encouraged to participate, but not forced.

REMEMBER...

Just as a tree must be exposed to rain, snow, wind and forces other than sunlight in order to grow, a developing child must face the unfortunate, but acceptable, aspects of life. Obviously a child will react to death, but it is the responsibility of the parent to guide these reactions.

Emphasis should be placed on the happy experiences that were shared with the deceased so pleasant images are fresh and constantly being recalled. Above all, the youngster should be commended for all the unforgettable attention and happiness they gave the deceased. Their hurt will be lessened and their memories enhanced when they understand they contributed to the happiness of the deceased's life.

Suggested readings that can be found in our library...

Reference Materials for Children

Preschool

Primary

Intermediate

High School

Sibling Grief

Suicide

Trauma

Pet Loss

Should Children Know About Death?

REMEMBER...